Parenting Tips: Co-regulation With Your Child
Times are tough, especially for parents and young kids. Between upcoming elections, global conflict, and the day-to-day overwhelm of being a human we are all feeling the impacts of the rising stress in our bodies. As hard as we try to lower our stress levels, especially as caregivers and parents, we know that if we are feeling overwhelmed our kids are sensing that and their bodies mirror our emotions. Distressing emotions in young kids can show up as behavioral outbursts, tantrums/meltdowns, and physical symptoms because they don’t yet know how to regulate their bodies or communicate about what they’re experiencing in a regulated manner. We have learned that infants and young children do not automatically know how to self-regulate and are taught through the process of co-regulation, which is defined as “an interactive process of regulatory support that can occur within the context of caring relationships across the lifespan” (Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W., 2017). This tells us that if we can settle our body, we can help our kids in feeling safe and secure during times of stress and learn how to respond to big emotions on their own as they grow. Since our kids pick up on the stress state of the caregivers’ nervous system, regulation starts with you becoming aware and attuned to your own dysregulation in the body and turning towards yourself first.
So what does co-regulation look like?
Self-regulation: First and foremost we need to pause and respond to our own internal cues of dysregulation. There are so many ways to do this, but one recommendation is Breathe, Ground, and Resource from Resmaa Menakem’s My Grandmother’s Hands. This process starts with 1. taking a few deep breaths; 2. thinking of and mentally connecting with a person, animal, or place that makes you feel safe and secure; and 3. slowly looking around you, observing yourself in the here and now.
Assess and acknowledge child’s experience: When you observe that a kid is having a tought time, calmly acknowledge the situation. Observe and label nonverbal and body cues to your child that might indicate they’re feeling upset (i.e. “I see your fists clenched and your voice is getting louder”). Name the emotion with curiosity (i.e. “are you feeling angry?”). If wrong guess again, let them tell you, or move on without labeling. Sometimes our words get in the way of actually connecting to the experience. Validate the emotion. You don’t have to agree with the behavior to understand the emotion. Let them know you hear why they’re upset and keep labeling what you’re seeing and offering a calm tone and relaxed body posture.
Invite into regulating activity: Ask, rather than tell, if they would be open to one of the following activities. Model the activity with them and ideally practice outside of a distressing moment. Find ways to increase engagement through play and curiosity.
Breathing: Model breathing in through your nose and out like a buzzing bee. Engage in visual imagery, such as imagining taking a deep inhale smelling flowers and a big breath out blowing out a candle. Invite them to grab a stuffed animal and place it on their belly while lying down and watch it rise and fall while they breathe.
Movement: Invite them to move their body to move the energy through. Model shaking out the body like a dog or other animal. Invite into a dance party. Model swaying back and forth like the trees.
Connection: If you observe the body starting to settle by voice lowering, muscles relaxing, or slower movements, you can ask if they’d like a hug or gentle touch like a back rub, but only with consent. If they say no you can show them how to give themselves a hug. You can let them know verbally that you’re here with them in this and that they’re safe or that you love them. Engaging them in humming a favorite song together can also sync up your nervous systems and help regulate.
Once the body is settled, you can then talk about why it might not be a good idea to throw things at a sibling or run across the street to chase the ice cream truck (etc) in a developmentally appropriate way. Remember that emotions might first get bigger and that’s okay as long as it’s safe. That is part of co-regulation to safely allow space for the emotion to run its course rather than suppressing. This can also be a good reminder for ourselves!
Stay Nourished,
Molly and the Nourish Team
Sources:
Menakem, R. (2017). My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending our Hearts and Bodies. Las Vegas, NV, Central Recovery Press.
Rosanbalm, K.D., & Murray, D.W. (2017). Caregiver Co-regulation Across Development: A Practice Brief. OPRE Brief #2017-80. Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research, and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, US. Department of Health and Human Services. https://fpg.unc.edu/sites/fpg.unc.edu/files/resources/reports-and-policy-briefs/Co-RegulationFromBirthThroughYoungAdulthood.pdf